Last year I set up a peer support group at work for my neurodivergent colleagues. The sense of community this has generated has been wonderful but what’s even more amazing is that people in the group are now asking to share their lived experience as part of our firm-wide Neurodiversity Celebration Week activities in March.
We’re planning to publish on the firm’s Intranet a list of things that we want our neurotypical colleagues to know in the hope of fostering a better understanding of neurodivergence, and I thought it would be good to share some of my own nuggets here.
The only source of knowledge is experience
Albert Einstein
Before doing so, do remember that what follows is purely from my own perspective. As the saying goes, once you’ve met one Autistic person you’ve met one Autistic person – a reminder that this is a spectrum condition and so my own experiences as someone who is AuDHD do not necessarily represent those of others.
So, in no particular order:
My brain is constantly busy: from the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep, my brain feels constantly on the go at about 100mph. As a result, I find it really difficult just to relax and switch off, there’s always something to think about and even if there isn’t my brain will surely find something.
I have a constant internal monologue: this one is really hard to explain to anyone who doesn’t have it and, no, it’s not hearing voices! It’s like having a constant running commentary going on in my head on absolutely anything and everything, interspersed with songs for good measure. The AuDHD author Pete Wharmby describes it as like listening to a shit radio DJ.
Eye contact can be physically painful: eye contact feels unnatural for me and if I am tired or burnt out it can actually hurt me to force it. If I am forcing eye contact you can rest assured that my internal monolgue will be commentating on it; e.g. “Oh, you need to look away now, it looks like you’re staring“.
My social battery is rubbish: socialising, or any situation where I am masking a lot, can really drain me, leaving me feeling like I need 3-5 business days to recover. I call this a social hangover.
The struggle of executive dysfunction: sometimes my brain lacks the processing power to deal with even the simplest of things like getting out of bed to brush my teeth before going to sleep or responding to a text message.
For much of my life I have felt like an alien: I have spent much of my life feeling like I don’t quite fit in but not knowing why, an alien on the periphery observing what is going on. Discovering that I am neurodivergent has finally allowed me to know why I have felt this way and to be kinder to myself as a result. As the saying goes, there is comfort in knowing you are a normal zebra, not a strange horse.
I feel all the emotions: I love that I experience and feel emotions in a big way. I might not always be able to name the emotion because of alexithymia, but there is something fantastic about, for example, feeling a shiver down my spine because a piece of music moves me so much.
The neurodivergent angst: this one isn’t great, it’s having a feeling – like a sixth sense – that something isn’t quite right but not knowing why. I’ve read it’s due to subconscious pattern recognition but all I know is that it leaves me feeling anxious and unsettled.
A deep love of nature and connection with animals: my favourite one of all…say no more.
If you’re neurodivergent, maybe some of this resonates; if you’re not, hopefully you’ve enjoyed reading this post and it’s given you a little insight into my differently wired brain.
